The Untethered Paddler- A Farewell and a New Beginning

 This is the last entry on this blog. Why? It served to support the victim mentality I was consistently writing from. I have struggled to come up with this entry, written, erased and re-written it six times now. Why the trouble putting my thoughts down in written form? Change is the answer. In looking at the big picture, my view has certainly gone through a metamorphosis. The always optimistic outlook has faded into a more realistic viewpoint. I've been "willing" this business forward for 8 years. Always looking for the payoff, but is it ever going to come? I certainly thought it would, but it has yet to happen. In the past four years, I've had a stroke and three surgeries. Something within me changed and I am just now coming to grips with it. I'm getting older. At 58 years old, I have to think about how I want to spend the last 20-25 years of my life. My work, my dream, is now taking away from my quality of life. The long hours, few days off and constant pressure are not conducive to a good work life balance. So, what do I do from here?

A few years ago, a friend got snowed in while attending Canoecopia in Madison Wisconsin. He stayed with another friend while the weather pattern cleared. He recounted a conversation that illustrates the issue going on within the paddlesports industry. My friend asserted that people responsible for the creation of the equipment we use and depend on, deserve to earn a decent wage. The other friend asserted the the equipment is too expensive for the average person. Who is right? Actually both have an opinion that can be considered truth on many levels. How can a company turn out paddlesports gear at a competitive and affordable price while paying the people responsible for crafting our equipment a living wage? That is the big question. The recent changes in the paddlesports manufacturing space are indicators that a competitive price and competitive wages really aren't able to coexist. Example, Current Designs sold their composite division and Rotomolding operations to two different companies. The plastic side of things was not competitive and loosing money. Why, imported competition. It was sold to a conglomerate that took the designs outside of the US where they can be made cheaper. Eddyline Kayaks closed their Washington State operations citing unsustainable operational costs for the business and their employees. Manufacturing is now in Mexico and corporate offices are located in Bentonville Ar. This story has been repeated over and over as far back as I can remember. Remember Mariner Kayaks? They were a staple of the PNW paddling scene up until the early 2000's. Matt Broze and his Brother Cam built some of the best constructed kayaks in the industry. I know because I have worked on many for a very enthusiastic client that has four of them. Mariner closed its doors because the rent skyrocketed and it no longer made financial sense to carry on. 

Notice there are very few brick and mortar kayak shops? To buy a $5-7k composite kayak, you are probably visiting a dealer at their home. Why, there is not enough margin to support a storefront and employees. Dealers scratch and claw for every dime to stay doing what they love doing. Most of the time it is a supplemental, or side business and they have a full time profession. These people are the life blood of the paddlesports industry and they have to grind for every sale. It takes tremendous drive and a love for the sport to make it these days. I had both at one time. 

The above paragraphs are all symptoms of a systematic challenge. They are a factor, not the reason why I am going to tell you the news I have to tell. 

My kayak building days are coming to a close. I could cite market conditions, supply chain issues, yadda, yadda, yadda. It comes down to this. On June 24 2020, my life changed. My brain changed. Before this date, I handled stress with ease and had an incredibly optimistic outlook. I was fit, strong and in the best shape of my life. Something snapped with the stroke and it has taken four years to come to grips with it. If you look at any of my videos before, the changes are very apparent. My demeanor, my speech and tone were different. I no longer handle stress the same. The company growth has only amplified the stress and I have struggled badly at making good decisions for the company and myself. I have mentally made myself a slave to the business and the result is a spiral that must me exited now. I am physically in the worst shape I have been in years. Financially speaking, I'm a mess. On paper, the company has the potential to make really good money, the leadership is holding that back. I have been propping up my bad decisions with applying more of my labor. Keeping things alive so, I don't leave anyone hanging. I could not bear the thought of that happening. My employees, my dealers all count on me and that is something I think about every day. But the bleeding needs to stop. The common denominator in all of this is me. With better leadership, I am certain TPK will flourish. 

We are in a good place here at TPK for me to step aside. At the time of this writing, we have a manageable number of orders to fill. Production is outpacing incoming sales and once we reach a set number of orders to fill, I am cutting off all new orders and completing the build schedule. I am currently in talks with a potential new owner of TPK so the brand can carry on. I feel really good with the direction the talks are taking and that it is a significant upgrade for the future of Turning Point Kayaks. Better management, better oversight with a talented builder that I trust. It is a win-win situation thus far for everyone. 

What precipitated the change? Hmm, could be a conversation with a fellow business owner. He stated that they keep a minimum criteria for viability of a prospective project and never stray from that criteria. He said they would not touch a project for less than $200/hr minimum. That conversation left an impression on me I couldn't shake off. Our labor rate for repairs on kayaks is $75/hr. On bigger boats, fiberglass and gelcoat repairs go for $150/hr. The simple fact is, we are limited on hourly rate on kayaks due to value of the kayaks. So, the thought process got going and I couldn't shake it. Slowly, the realization that the current business plan was not a viable one anymore. I also went through Ketamine therapy along with some intensive counseling. I had a counseling session while I was out on the road doing business stuff. I was breaking down, alone and far away from home. The therapist, listening ever intently, said that he had a confession that he did not bring up with patients. He felt it was appropriate for me. He was also a stroke survivor. He did have lingering effects from it and he told his story. He said to me, "You have to find a way to accept that you will never be the same as you were before the stroke". At that point something in me broke and I started accepting it. He then said that I had a unique opportunity to be the version I wanted to be because the old me was not going to be the same. Maybe that is where this change really started. I am thankful for his wisdom in reframing the event as a transformation. 

As I reconciled the business side, I was going through a discovery phase emotionally and mentally. One simple fact kept creeping in. I never gave myself time to heal. After the stroke, I took off the required time outside of the shop. But, the wheels never stopped churning and I did a lot of work from home. The entire time I was in the hospital, I was itching to get out so I could keep the business afloat. We were in the front end of the pandemic and under stay at home orders. I was able to keep working on the few projects that trickled in because the shop was in a rural and conservative county. I talked with the sheriff about staying operating since I was a one man band and he said he supported me. So, thats all I could think about while watching the TV in the hospital. When I was back, I worked like mad to keep afloat. The first hip surgery was finally able to be performed after I was taken off the blood thinners. In surgery on a Thursday and back at work on Monday. I simply have to stay moving. Being still is not a thing that I do easily. That surgery started to fail in six months, at a year I was having that hip replaced. The day after the replacement, I ditched my crutches, much to Lesley's disapproval. The Dr concurred on my one week follow up when I showed up with no walking aids. I was back at work exactly 7 days after having my hip replaced. Why? I had to go to work and produce for revenue to keep us afloat. Two months later I was moving the shop to our current location due to a dispute over heat with the old building owner. Then came the "Pipeline" procedure to repair the Aneurysm on my Carotid Artery. More time out of the shop and a new restriction on activity for 6 more months. So, I worked and worked. Never taking time to heal from any of it. Until now. 

I made this decision a few weeks ago. Letting go was a process. The truth of the matter is that the shop, my clients and the paddling community took center stage. When the pain of keeping something in your life exceeds the pain of letting it go you know it is time. My health, my relationships and my family took a back seat. I did not and do not have the bandwidth to do it all. When I flipped the priorities, things got easier. I am less angry and more at ease. I was asked if I remembered how to relax, I said "no". I am in a very foreign place right now. People tell me that something is different. That I look younger and more at ease. I had reconciled the death of a dream and it was actually the beginning of finding peace. It is a weird place to be. I will have these flashes of panic over something to do with the shop. I now see them and do my best to reframe them and move on. Before the decision was made, I got an average of between five and six hours of sleep. Now, I am getting a solid eight and wake up to the alarm rather than anxiety at 4 am. I am more attentive in conversation and generally have a more hopeful demeanor. The change feels good which reinforces the decision of letting the shop go. 

What am I going to do? I have an offer to work for a company that builds high performance offshore race boats using infusion. I need a simple schedule and to limit stress. Lesley needs her husband back, my family needs me too. I need time to take care of myself. I need to be able to paddle for the love of paddling again. No sponsors, ambassadorships or obligations to anyone. Thus the name the "Untethered Paddler". I want to be myself again. I can not be that and have the responsibilities associated with the pressures as a business owner. 

As we draw things to a close here, I have two very special kayaks that will be my last. A kayak I have been promising Lesley for three years and one for me. They will be a culmination of all of the skill I have acquired building hundreds of kayaks and boats over the last 25 years. I want to leave this business doing my best work. I will be out in the paddling community as a "nobody". Paddling for the reasons I started doing this so many years ago. For the joy of it and nothing else.  In the end, I am not sad, I am not upset. I am at peace with it all. I am grateful for the time I did have doing this. In looking back, I feel as if we had an impact on market. We are pioneers in the lightweight kayak space. There are more of us now than when TPK started. So, I feel as we were influential in that space. We are the first Touring Kayak company to build a expedition layup under 40 lbs with Basalt/Innegra. Now there are others that are utilizing it. We have built some amazing kayaks for some amazing people. A long time ago, Nick Schade and I had a conversation. I asked if he ever built a perfect kayak, what would he do? He said there was nothing else to accomplish and he would stop building. My last two will be as close to perfect as I can make them and it will be time to put down my tools for good. I am grateful for what I have learned in the past 8 years. I was developing a very valuable skill that is in demand due to the very small number of people like me that posses it. 

Thank you to everyone I have had the pleasure of meeting or chatting with. No matter if it was through this blog, or social media. I will be forever grateful for my time here. It is now time to just "be" a husband, a father, a son. I will still be a paddler, but for me and only me. That is all I need to be.